Can you believe that the year is officially half-over?! It was literally just last week when I stopped double-checking that I’m writing the correct year on my checks. (Yes, I still write a few checks every now and again… and then I send them via carrier pigeon. I’m old school like that.)
My mother told me the other day that her grandfather once said, “Well, it’s the 4th of July… that’s it – summer’s over!” He was a rose grower, so he was already moving on to planting fall flowers. And if you’ve been in a store lately – Target, I’m looking at you – summer is apparently old news, and back to school is where it’s at.
Until then, however… tide yourself over with some of these tidbits!
1) Melts in your… nose?
Like many people in the world, I love chocolate. Here are some of the wonderful, amazing, delicious forms of chocolate I adore:
- Chocolate ice cream
- Hot cocoa
- Cadbury Dairy Milk Roast Almond Bar (this is the best chocolate bar ever made)
- Chocolate almond milk
- Chocolate-covered pretzels
- Etc., etc.
You see where I’m going with this.
Never ONCE in my life have I said:
“Man, I really wish I could snort some chocolate up my nose. Now THAT would really be awesome.”
You know what they say – don’t ask and ye shall receive. My unvocalized, unwanted prayer has come true. The crack team of scientists over at Legal Lean (nice little nod to “lean”, a.k.a. “sizzurp” / “purple drank” / whatever the rappers are calling it these days) have brought us Coco Loko – snortable chocolate. That’s right – chocolate you’re supposed to snort.
What a time to be alive.
Coco Loko (remember Four Loko? Is that still legal?) is also laced with a whole bunch of crap that’s found in energy drinks.
Dr. Andrew Lane, director of the Johns Hopkins Sinus Center, threw some hilarious low-key shade when asked about the risks of snortable chocolate:
“There’s no data, and as far as I can tell, no one’s studied what happens if you inhale chocolate into your nose. When I mention it to people, nobody’s ever heard of it.”
[Note: Probably because all Dr. Lane’s scientist friends are doing, oh, I don’t know… IMPORTANT SCIENTIFIC WORK.]
“Maybe… I’m not in the in-crowd.”
2) Speaking of foods that probably ended up getting snorted…
Well, the 4th of July was earlier this week, and that means the world’s competitive eaters battled for the Mustard Belt (I’m serious) at the annual Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest. You may think that your crazy Uncle Frank won a record for the most hot dogs eaten at your barbecue, but he’s got nothing on Joey Chestnut, who won his 10th men’s title this year.
Mr. Chestnut ate 72 hot dogs (including buns!) in 10 minutes. While you’re digesting that fact, consider this: that’s 20,160 calories. IN TEN MINUTES. He also told reporters that he gained 23 pounds during the competition. Feel better about everything you ate over the holiday?
(Don’t feel too badly for him, though – he went on to say that it only takes him about 4-5 days to return to his normal weight. But I’m sure it’s a very uncomfortable couple of days!)
Miki Sudo, the women’s champion for the 4th year in a row, ate 41 hot dogs and buns, and looked way happier than I would about it the following day on the set of the Today Show:
3) Putting the “ass” in class action
Remember the super-cheesy commercials for 1-900 phone sex lines that would come on late at night back in the day? (You can pretend like you have no idea what I’m talking about… this is a judgement-free zone.) Anyhow, I thought 1-900 lines went the way of the VCR and the cassette tape, but apparently, they’re still a thing.
How, you’re probably asking, do I know this? It’s because Anne Cannon, a phone sex worker for Tele Pay USA, filed a federal class action lawsuit claiming she (and possibly up to a thousand others) were cheated out of wages.
Anne lives in Florida, where the minimum wage is $8.10 per hour. She alleges she is required to work more than 40 hours a week, with no paid overtime, and no way to accurately call length. (As someone who managed call centers for years, this drives me INSANE.) Her average talk time is about six minutes per call, and she is paid about 10 cents per minute (or $6 per hour). If her average talk time falls below six minutes, her pay drops to 7 cents per minute ($4.20 per hour).
Fun fact: Tele Pay USA charges $5 per minute – $300 an hour.
No matter what your opinion is on phone sex, what the company is doing is incredibly shitty. The class action plaintiffs want three years’ worth of unpaid back pay and overtime.
4) Filed under: EWWWWWW
Maine is known as “Vacationland”, and 74-year-old Charles Manning might be getting a state-sponsored vacation in jail for dumping a cup of live bedbugs * full body shudder * on the counter of a city office.
Mr. Manning visited a different office in Augusta City Center earlier in the day to complain about bedbugs in his residence. He later returned to the General Assistance office, cup o’ bugs in hand, angered that he didn’t qualify for anything as he had other sources of income. He then dumped the bedbugs out on the counter and left. The entire building had to be closed and fumigated.
Bug Boy is being charged with assault and obstruction of government administration, which can get you up to a year in jail and a $2,000 fine.
City Manager William Bridgeo commented that he’s “never had anything as yucky as this” happen before in his entire career.
Me either, Bill. Me either.
5) One shopping channel to rule them all
QVC announced this week that it planned to merge with home-shopping rival network HSN in a deal worth $2.1 billion. That’s a LOT of money. (Are they going to put it on Easy Pay? Ha! I crack myself up!)
What I find most interesting about the whole deal is that the combined QVC/HSN conglomerate will be the third-largest e-tailer in North America behind Amazon and Walmart. I never realized that they moved that much merchandise! They ship 320 million packages every year – insane.
Because I’m nothing if not sentimental, it seems like the perfect time to take a stroll down memory lane and look at some of the best on-air bloopers from QVC and HSN. Join me, won’t you?
I could literally post DOZENS of amazing videos. The next time you’ve got some time to kill, curl up with your phone and Google some of these bad boys!
What’s your preferred way to eat (or snort, I guess…) chocolate? How many hot dogs do you think you could eat in ten minutes? (Hell… I’ll give you an HOUR!) Ever buy anything from QVC or HSN? Tell me about it in the comments!