They – whoever “they” are – say that crime rates rise during the summer, and I’d argue that stupidity levels tend to surge right along with the mercury. This week’s edition of T.G.I. Five-Days features some serious headscratchers, spanning from your friendly neighborhood Average Joe all the way to one of our very own governmental agencies!
(I know – crazy shit stemming from the very top. I was shocked too.)
“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” – Albert Einstein
1) Scammer gets scammed
A New Hampshire woman was arrested this week for scamming an internet scammer. Yes, you read that right… as it turns out, two wrongs don’t make a right!
Wolfeboro police report that Jennifer Wozmak got herself ensnared in a whole Law & Order episode’s worth of trouble when she scammed a scammer that they were investigating. (Seriously.) A man called the police after his bank account was hacked into and funds were used to buy and ship a laptop to a UPS location. The scammer, located in a different country, organized another scam to hire someone off of Craigslist who would pick up the ill-gotten laptop and ship it somewhere else.
You still with me?
So, Ms. Wozmak responded to the Craigslist ad and got herself a job. The twist is that upon picking up the laptop, she decided to keep it for herself. She mailed a box full of magazines (!) to the address she was given and went on living her best life.
Somehow, this masterful plan went awry, and Jennifer found herself arrested and charged with “theft by unauthorized taking”. (Isn’t that… kind of… what theft is?)
2) Time to delete your nudes
Is your boss acting strangely this week? Is your mother-in-law not responding to your texts?
If you have a Samsung Galaxy S9, S9+, or Note 8 phone, it may be because the phone’s Messages app has been helpfully sending all your photos to everyone in your contacts list.
Samsung users have been posting all over the internet about the glitch, which has another delightful quirk: There is no notification on the sender’s phone that this has taken place. Instead, the recipients of these unsolicited nudes, memes, and cat pictures are the ones who have to notify the sender so that they can arrange to die of embarrassment.
Samsung is “…aware of the reports regarding this matter and [their] technical teams are looking into it. Concerned customers are encouraged to contact [them] directly.”
The use of “concerned” has me, well, concerned. What are they going to do for you if you accidentally sent 4000 selfies to your ex? Or your entire collection of Star Trek memes?
DON’T YOU DARE JUDGE ME THAT IS A TOTALLY NORMAL THING TO HAVE ON YOUR PHONE
3) 🎶 Ba da ba ba baaaaa – I’m hatin’ it 🎶
Our neighbors to the north celebrated their own national holiday this week – Canada Day was July 1. A Hamilton, ON man decided to celebrate by ordering a burger and fries from McDonald’s via delivery. (That last part is important.)
So, an intrepid Uber Eats driver picked up the goods and dropped them off at the home of Canada Man (cousin of Florida Man). Shortly thereafter, Canada Man called 911. The emergency? HIS BURGER AND FRIES WERE COLD.
< insert lame joke about “UN-Happy Meal” here >
Police spokesperson Jackie Penman commented: “He was extremely upset. There was a communication between the officers and the individual. They brought him to an understanding that it wasn’t a police matter.”
(I’m totally going to start using the phrase “bring to an understanding” more frequently – it’s such a good euphemism.)
Ms. Penman went on to say:
“The  system is meant for life and death emergencies. A cold hamburger and fries certainly does not constitute that.”
I realize that trying to apply logic here is akin to attempting to reason with a toddler, but I can’t help but think: OBVIOUSLY your Mickey D’s isn’t going to retain its freshness (?) after a car ride to your home! And who gets McDonald’s delivered, anyway?! I am so perplexed.
4) File under “Expensive Mistakes”
The Statue of Liberty has been getting a lot of press this week, what with it being the 4th of July and a woman getting arrested for climbing her. Her latest headline? The United States Postal Service has been ordered to pay $3.5 million for putting the wrong famous face on a series of stamps. (Yes, you read that correctly.)
Back in 2011, the USPS issued a series of stamps honoring Lady Liberty. What they didn’t realize until far too late – three months after the release, to be exact – was that they used a photo of the exterior of the New York-New York Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas instead of the New York icon.
The sculptor of the stylized version, Robert Davidson, was understandably shocked when his wife brought home a book of stamps featuring the face he designed. He sued the USPS for a share of the $70 million in stamp profits, with his lawyers noting in their filings that the Vegas sculpture is “unmistakably different from the original and was more ‘fresh-faced,’ ‘sultry’ and even ‘sexier'”.
That’s right – even our statues are under pressure to be sexy these days.
A federal judge agreed, ultimately awarding Davidson $3.5 million.
How would you go about documenting a mistake like this in an employee’s file? Discuss.
5) Hot Tub Margarita Bear is having more fun than you ever will
You know, it’s been a long week, even though there was a holiday right smack in the middle. Rather than regale you with another misadventure from your fellow man, I’m going to share this story of a bear who invited himself to use a guy’s hot tub and drink his margaritas.
— AP West Region (@APWestRegion) July 2, 2018
There’s a raccoon in my neighborhood that breaks into my compost bin and smears food all over my driveway… somehow, that doesn’t seem as exciting in comparison.
Have you ever had fast food delivered? And what’s with all those families in fast food commercials that bring the food HOME to eat? Discuss these pressing issues and whatever else is on your mind in the comments!