Guess who’s back, back again
Caitlin’s back; tell a friend
(adapted from the legendary “Without Me” by Eminem)
You may or may not have noticed, but I took a
brief hiatus from writing last year. I apologize profusely for depriving you all of my special brand of snark, but I had some MAJOR healing to do in the brain area. The good news is that I am entering 2018 healthier and happier (and stronger and snarkier!) than I have been in several years! I’m really excited to be back writing again.
Seeing as how this is the first Friday of 2018 – let’s kick things off with the first T.G.I. Five-Day of the year!
1) Oregonians are all fueled up over self-service
People all over Oregon had their minds blown this week after the passage of a law allowing self-service gas stations. I grew up in Massachusetts where every man, woman, child, and four-legged friend pump their own gas, so I was pretty darn surprised to learn that this had been illegal up until this point. (Fun Fact™: The only state where it is still illegal to do this is New Jersey.)
It wasn’t as if this law came into existence overnight. NPR notes that for the last two years, stations in certain rural counties have been allowed to offer self-service from 6PM to 6AM. Yet on New Year’s Day, confusion and hilarity spread throughout the land.
From the CBS affiliate in Medford, Oregon’s Facebook page:
People are VERY concerned about getting gas all over themselves, or smelling like gas forever. Do people in Oregon know how to clean themselves up after using the restroom? Or is there an ungodly stench of urine as soon as you cross over state lines?
I had no idea there were packs of transients roaming the streets of Oregon, looking to mess with hapless fuel-seekers like trolls guarding a bridge. “Answer me these questions three!”
Here is footage from the first few days of this developing crisis:
2) It’s raining… iguanas?
I can personally attest that it’s been FUH-reezing for over a week here in Massachusetts – and we’re not the only part of the country feeling the effects of the cold. All the way down in Miami, temperatures have been far below normal (although better than here in Boston!) – some days it’s even registered into the 30s.
Imagine sauntering out onto your lanai, Dorothy Zbornak-esque, and encountering iguanas raining from the trees:
They’re not dead, it turns out – they’re just stunned by the cold, potentially being able to perk right back up once they’re warm again. Ron Magill, communications director for Zoo Miami, commented: “When the temperature goes down, they literally shut down, and they can no longer hold on to the trees… which is why you get this phenomenon in South Florida that it’s raining iguanas.” He also went on to note that the larger the iguana is, the better its chance of survival.
Fun(?) Fact™: Iguanas can be six feet long. So just step right over the lizard the size of an adult that’s splayed out in your front yard… chances are he’ll recover and potentially run for political office. (This IS Florida we’re talking about, after all.)
3) The “Meat Bandit” is on the loose
This is definitely not as terrifying as the gas crisis in Oregon, but still noteworthy: Police in Oklahoma City are on the hunt for a man who stole $400 worth of beef jerky from a convenience store last month. They’ve dubbed him the “Meat Bandit”, and I’m feeling supremely proud of myself for not touching that one with a ten-foot pole.
I don’t think I’ve ever eaten a single piece of beef jerky in my entire life, let alone $400 worth… which leads me to my question:
4) Squirrel caught with paws in the cookie jar
Police in upstate New York received an urgent distress call earlier this week from a woman claiming the following:
- A squirrel broke into her house
- Said squirrel was eating cookies in her kitchen
- Said squirrel also turned the radio on really loudly
Here is the shocking crime scene footage (you’re going to want to have the volume up for this!):
5) Baby seal sets out in search of pizza
Let’s end today with a gem of a tale from where I grew up: Cape Cod! Police in Yarmouthport, MA were summoned to Pizza By Evan (Fun Fact™: My husband and I used to eat at this place all the time back in the day!) because of a baby seal in the parking lot. The poor little seal, who was only 3 feet long and 40 pounds, had wandered out of the marsh and crossed a very busy road, all in search of the perfect slice.
Bystanders protected him until the police and a veterinarian from IFAW arrived to rescue him.
SEAL SET BACK TO SEA! Our very special late night visitor has been given a clean bill of health by wildlife officials…
Posted by Yarmouth Police Dept. on Saturday, December 30, 2017
Does anyone else think that little seal’s face says “I’d do it again, too!” all over it?