New Year’s Eve fell on an extra-long holiday weekend this year, so this allows us a particularly lengthy period to relax, recharge, and restore. Perhaps you’re spending today vacuuming up all those dry Christmas tree needles before you haul your kindling out to the curb, or maybe you’re still trying to pick errant flecks of NYE glitter out of your clothing. I, for one, checked the local police blotters to make sure that none of my friends merited an addition to the Dumbest Massachusetts Criminals of 2016 List. I hate when my friends have too much fun without me.
I’ve loved reading police blotters ever since I was a little kid – I grew up in a small town (Sandwich, Massachusetts, I’m looking at you!) and people always seemed to call the police for the stupidest reasons. Ever since then, reading stories about dumb criminals has always been one of my favorite pastimes, and I happen to have an affinity for the homegrown hooligans of my own state.
Here are some of my favorites from the past year. Please know that it is my fervent wish that you get the theme music to The People’s Court stuck in your head for the rest of the day after reading them.
August 18, 2016 – West Barnstable, MA:
An 87-year-old woman in a red Jaguar rammed repeatedly into a parked Jeep at a post office parking lot, moving the Jeep almost 8 feet away from where it had been parked. When questioned by police, the driver of the Jaguar thought she “would do everyone a favor and push the vehicle out of the way with [her] car.”
Samaritan of the Year!
December 4, 2016 – Northampton, MA:
Officers responding to a convenience store robbery found two suspects and a rooster in a getaway car. Regrettably, I do not know who was driving.
The rooster was not charged.
March 20, 2016 – Saugus, MA:
The manager of Kelly’s Roast Beef called the police to report that a man dressed as Jesus was running in and out of traffic on Route 1. I am not making this up.
(For my readers not located in Massachusetts, Route 1 is an INSANELY busy road, not a middling cow path.)
It turns out Jesus was actually just a really passionate Malden Catholic fan, excited about their big hockey win. This probably works in both the literal and religious sense.
October 16, 2016 – Framingham, MA:
An extremely drunk 18-year-old wandered into the Framingham police station and turned himself in. His crime? Stealing a $4000 handmade Japanese bong. He was so drunk that the police had difficulty understanding what he was confessing to; luckily, the teen had photos of what he stole on his phone and showed them to the police.
June 20, 2016 – Stow, MA:
A woman went to the police station to ask if it was legal to smoke cigarettes in a driveway really close to your neighbor’s house. (Seriously!) The police, stifling their laughter, replied that adults can smoke their brains out.
The aggrieved party, shocked and wounded, cried:
Haven’t you heard of secondhand smoke?
If I were a police officer in Stow, or any surrounding Massachusetts community, I would go out of my way to take the K-9 dog over to poop in this lady’s front yard.
November 11, 2016 – Bridgewater, MA:
And to save the best for last…
November 17, 2016 – Amherst, MA:
Picture it: Thirsty Thursday, just after midnight, and a bouncer asks a 21-year-old woman to show ID. What does she do?
She tries to uses a slice of pizza as identification.
Nope, I’ve never been that drunk either.
When the bouncer told her that pizza was not an officially recognized form of photo identification, she did what any one of us would have done: she hauled off and slapped him.
I bet this young woman’s parents are so proud.
Happy New Year, everyone! I wish you all a year full of happiness, prosperity, and people doing ridiculous things… just hopefully not next door to you.