Law & Order: Masshole Misdemeanor Unit – The Very Best of 2016

January 1, 2017 45 Comments

New Year’s Eve fell on an extra-long holiday weekend this year, so this allows us a particularly lengthy period to relax, recharge, and restore. Perhaps you’re spending today vacuuming up all those dry Christmas tree needles before you haul your kindling out to the curb, or maybe you’re still trying to pick errant flecks of NYE glitter out of your clothing. I, for one, checked the local police blotters to make sure that none of my friends merited an addition to the Dumbest Massachusetts Criminals of 2016 List. I hate when my friends have too much fun without me.

I’ve loved reading police blotters ever since I was a little kid – I grew up in a small town (Sandwich, Massachusetts, I’m looking at you!) and people always seemed to call the police for the stupidest reasons. Ever since then, reading stories about dumb criminals has always been one of my favorite pastimes, and I happen to have an affinity for the homegrown hooligans of my own state.

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Here are some of my favorites from the past year. Please know that it is my fervent wish that you get the theme music to The People’s Court stuck in your head for the rest of the day after reading them.


August 18, 2016 – West Barnstable, MA:

An 87-year-old woman in a red Jaguar rammed repeatedly into a parked Jeep at a post office parking lot, moving the Jeep almost 8 feet away from where it had been parked. When questioned by police, the driver of the Jaguar thought she “would do everyone a favor and push the vehicle out of the way with [her] car.”

Samaritan of the Year!


December 4, 2016 – Northampton, MA:

Officers responding to a convenience store robbery found two suspects and a rooster in a getaway car. Regrettably, I do not know who was driving.

The rooster was not charged.


March 20, 2016 – Saugus, MA:

The manager of Kelly’s Roast Beef called the police to report that a man dressed as Jesus was running in and out of traffic on Route 1. I am not making this up.

(For my readers not located in Massachusetts, Route 1 is an INSANELY busy road, not a middling cow path.)

It turns out Jesus was actually just a really passionate Malden Catholic fan, excited about their big hockey win. This probably works in both the literal and religious sense.


October 16, 2016 – Framingham, MA:

An extremely drunk 18-year-old wandered into the Framingham police station and turned himself in. His crime? Stealing a $4000 handmade Japanese bong. He was so drunk that the police had difficulty understanding what he was confessing to; luckily, the teen had photos of what he stole on his phone and showed them to the police.


June 20, 2016 – Stow, MA:

A woman went to the police station to ask if it was legal to smoke cigarettes in a driveway really close to your neighbor’s house. (Seriously!) The police, stifling their laughter, replied that adults can smoke their brains out.

The aggrieved party, shocked and wounded, cried:

Haven’t you heard of secondhand smoke?

If I were a police officer in Stow, or any surrounding Massachusetts community, I would go out of my way to take the K-9 dog over to poop in this lady’s front yard.


November 11, 2016 – Bridgewater, MA:

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And to save the best for last…



November 17, 2016 – Amherst, MA:

Picture it: Thirsty Thursday, just after midnight, and a bouncer asks a 21-year-old woman to show ID. What does she do?

She tries to uses a slice of pizza as identification.

Nope, I’ve never been that drunk either.

When the bouncer told her that pizza was not an officially recognized form of photo identification, she did what any one of us would have done: she hauled off and slapped him.

I bet this young woman’s parents are so proud.


Happy New Year, everyone! I wish you all a year full of happiness, prosperity, and people doing ridiculous things… just hopefully not next door to you.


  1. Reply

    Imani A. O'Blige

    January 2, 2017

    wow to the drunk guy that turned himself in lol

  2. Reply


    January 2, 2017

    I love to read this type of news, it definitely is better than the alternative! Happy New Year to you!

  3. Reply


    January 2, 2017

    These are hilarious. Thanks for sharing some laughs with us to start the new year off with a smile!

  4. Reply

    Brandi Puga

    January 2, 2017

    hahaha! I love this post! What a great way to start 2017, with laughter at other people’s expense and the assurance that i am smarter than at least some people!

  5. Reply

    GingerGoose Boutique

    January 2, 2017

    You just made my day with these! This was such a fun list!!! I laughed the whole way through. Guess this goes to show that we all can have a little bit of crazy in our towns!

  6. Reply

    Kecia | Online Income Mom

    January 2, 2017

    Oh wow, some of these just leave me shaking my head. What some people do!!!

  7. Reply

    Julie Porter

    January 2, 2017

    I really love police blotters too! Some of them are hilarious and also just leave you scratching your head and wondering. Thanks for some really great examples, I’m still laughing about the woman going to the police station to ask about the legality of smoking cigarettes really close to a neighbor’s house!

  8. Reply


    January 2, 2017

    Ok – laughing SO hard about the pizza as ID. Oh-my-gosh! That is too much! And, what a funny memory! Cheers to 2017!!

  9. Reply

    Author Brandi Kennedy

    January 2, 2017

    That last one made me laugh. But hey, at least she didn’t slap the bouncer WITH the pizza, right?

  10. Reply


    January 2, 2017

    OMG still laughing, love the 87 year old women in a Jaguar none the less moving a car out of the way, hahah that is so darn funny. oh my gosh and smoking in the driveway, some people really are , ah laughable.

  11. Reply


    January 2, 2017

    Ha, these are pretty funny! That pizza one is downright hilarious.

  12. Reply


    January 2, 2017

    Oh my these were too funny! My favorite was the one about the cooler that nobody wanted to touch! Thanks for a laugh this morning!

  13. Reply


    January 2, 2017

    lol I haven’t heard of half of these but they definitely made me smile! I don’t think I have ever been drunk enough to use pizza as ID :p

  14. Reply

    Mihaela Echols

    January 2, 2017

    Policemen have gotta have a few laughs here and there as they continue to fight the good fight for us.

  15. Reply


    January 2, 2017

    Oh gosh these are so good! That tweet though, seriously! there are scary things in packages sometimes, one never knows 😉

    I’d also love to know where that lady was carrying that pizza!

  16. Reply

    Ana De-Jesus

    January 2, 2017

    Unfortunately I spent today working :/ I love police blotters too they never fail to make me laugh.

  17. Reply

    Elizabeth O.

    January 3, 2017

    HA! Some of these are really fun and some make me feel sorry for the people involved. I think it’s funny how people react to what happens around them. Oh well, Happy New Year!

  18. Reply

    sewa kereta shah alam

    January 3, 2017

    I was privileged to read your post. and I left a comment. so great to meet you. I’m “following” you. I hope you have a great weekend.

  19. Reply


    January 3, 2017

    This hilarious to read. If only our police force here in the uk was half as fun!

  20. Reply


    January 3, 2017

    Seriously, this is the type of news I want to see on TV daily. Enough of the sadness, bring us funny!

  21. Reply

    Jen Smith

    January 3, 2017

    “I’m doing everyone a favor” OMG That 87 yo woman is my hero. Thank you for these.

  22. Reply

    Steve Goodwin

    January 3, 2017

    Thanks for the good laugh, those were pretty good. I also live in a town of Sandwich, but in IL.

  23. Reply

    Jennifer Marx (JenuineMom)

    January 3, 2017

    Oh my gosh, these were funny! She just wanted to move the car for the convenience of everyone…. with a Jaguar?! Oh my! Thank you for sharing!!

  24. Reply

    Traveling Well For Less

    January 3, 2017

    ROFL, love how you did this post. Very original and entertaining. Plus, I’m addicted to all the Law & Order shows.

  25. Reply

    Amanda Love

    January 3, 2017

    I can’t believe that there are calls like this to the police. It’s really funny but it’s also interesting why people would think these would pass off as legitimate calls to the police. I wonder how the police reacted after each call. Lol. Thanks for the laugh!

  26. Reply

    Heather Garcia

    January 3, 2017

    Sometimes you just can’t make this stuff up! Hahaha! I am just wondering how intoxicated one must be to dress up like Jesus and then run through traffic. I am also glad the rooster wasn’t charged in the other crime. He shouldn’t be held responsible for his owners’ actions. HAHAHA!

  27. Reply


    January 3, 2017

    Loving these! So much fun to read which is definitely a breath of fresh air. Best of luck to us all in 2017!

  28. Reply

    Angela Zimsky

    January 3, 2017

    I found your post entertaining.

  29. Reply


    January 3, 2017

    As much as I loved reading these it does make you wonder about the future of the human race. TFS!

  30. Reply


    January 3, 2017

    OK these are so hilarious! The things people can do are completely hilarious! The drunken teenager is okne of the funniest ones!

  31. Reply

    Stephanie Lee

    January 4, 2017

    Very funny! A great dose of humor for a busy week back at work 🙂 Haven’t you heard of second hand smoke?!?!

  32. Reply

    R U S S

    January 4, 2017

    Soooo funny! The story of the 18-year old drunk teenager is the best. Poor policemen, lol.

  33. Reply

    Vaishnavi @ Dentmaker

    January 4, 2017

    Such a fun read. The very best of 2016 indeed. Lol. Absolutely hilarious and bizarre events defying law and order, that they are!

  34. Reply

    Angela Milnes

    January 4, 2017

    These are so silly but also funny at the same time. 🙂

  35. Reply


    January 4, 2017

    This was such a fun post. Amongst all those serious new year, new me posts this was definitely much needed.

  36. Reply

    Katrina Gehman

    January 4, 2017

    those are always so funny. anytime i need a good laugh i read those as well and autocorrect sites from texts.

  37. Reply

    Emma White (@TheRealSupermum)

    January 4, 2017

    ha ha ha I have to agree they really are a bit daft but so good to watch

  38. Reply


    January 4, 2017

    This is such a fun post. It made me laugh. Crazy, the drunk guy turned himself in??? That’s hilarious! I have to share this post!

  39. Reply

    wildish jess

    January 4, 2017

    I’ve always wanted to visit MA but I always hear such crazy things about it. This post was great! lol

  40. Reply


    January 4, 2017

    These are seriously so funny! I can’t imagine ever being drunk to the point where I thought I could use pizza as identification haha!

  41. Reply


    January 4, 2017

    These were hilarious! Who shows someone pizza as a form of identification?!

  42. Reply


    January 5, 2017

    Oh my goodness, some of these are just too ridiculous!! XD Thanks for the laughs!! Happy New Year!!

  43. Reply

    Angela Zimsky

    January 5, 2017

    That photo with the little girl and the sub cracks me up.

  44. Reply


    January 5, 2017

    Some woman actually asked the police about smoking ? That’s just dumb lol

  45. Reply

    Isaly Holland

    January 5, 2017

    Lol. Wow these scenarios are crazy. I am glad I had a good laugh late at night.

    Isaly Holland |

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