I’ve been home sick the past few days – fever, sore throat, aches and pains. Sadly, daytime TV is not the same caliber of awesome that I remember from my school days. I’ve been performing complex calculations in my head involving the amount of energy it would take to reach the remote and change the channel compared with the energy I have in reserve. As math as never been my strong suit, I’ve spent a lot of time sitting through asinine commercials.
This particular commercial, for Quilted Northern toilet paper, is driving me to the brink of insanity. If I’ve seen it once, I’ve seen it 400 times. Even in my feverish state, I feel like the math is on my side here. Frowny Face McGee, with her nasal drone, is haunting me in my dreams with her declaration that “it’s time to get real about what happens in the bathroom.”
|“Shit just got real.” Ha! See what I did there?|
The fact that this woman (or, more accurately, the HATRED of said woman) has a cult following on the Internet indicates to me that I am not the only person deeply disturbed by this horde of deeply concerned (and also vaguely constipated)-looking women who demand that we, as a nation, “start talking about what you really want from your toilet paper.”
If you are not left feeling “clean” and/or “confident” after using toilet paper, YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG. End of discussion.
I’m more concerned with other things happening in the bathroom – specifically, public bathrooms. Why is it considered socially acceptable to chat (often about incredibly personal things) on one’s cell phone while doing your business? It’s not like the stall is a confessional booth. WE CAN HEAR YOU IN THERE. NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR DATE LAST NIGHT OR ABOUT YOUR IRREGULARLY-SHAPED MOLE.
When I’m encountered with a Stall Talker, I often freeze, unable to pee: What if the person on the other end of the phone can hear me? Would it be rude if they heard me flush? How many minutes of worker productivity are lost in the United States annually due to Stall Talkers?
I strongly feel that peeing during a phone conversation should only be allowed during the most limited of circumstances: 1) you have to be REALLY close friends (like, you’d share a toothbrush with this person if you had to), and 2) the pee-er has to be on their own home turf (not in a public bathroom).
Discuss. I know people have strong opinions about bathroom behavior. For instance, Mr. Seeking Ambition refuses to buy TP that has a bear or a puppy on the package. It’s one of the reasons I married him.