We all know we’re not supposed to eat at our desks – “they” (those would be the various Health Experts™) have told us how bad it is for us, how we need to get up during the day, etc. In reality, though, it can be incredibly hard to disconnect come lunchtime. Your only respite may come in the form of forced participation in the horror known as the “working lunch”. However, the abduction of a leisurely lunch is not the biggest problem facing the workplace today – it’s something far more insidious.
Your coworkers are plotting to kill you by microwaving fish. And broccoli.
When I was a teenager, my best friend and I worked in an airline call center. We made sure to sit in the “way back” – far away from the prying eyes of the supervisors on duty. Unfortunately, this was also right next to the break area, where Certain People felt that it was totally normal to microwave fish and broccoli (often together!). I can’t quite fully find the words to describe the unholy aroma that this creates, but suffice to say, I’d rather eat the melted Tupperware than the contents.
Later on, I was managing a team in my very own call center when I encountered a young lady who I’ll refer to as Barbara (thank you, Fake Name Generator!). On Barbara’s second day, she brought her lunch and heated it up in the breakroom, as many of us did, and chose to eat it at her desk. The contents of the Tupperware? Microwaved goat meat. This was a new smell for me, and a colleague had to identify it.
Shortly after finishing her lunch, Barbara fell asleep sitting in her cubicle. I didn’t have the heart to wake her; I left that task to HR as I decided to cut my losses.
Does goat meat have tryptophan? I’m still trying to figure this out years later. As I’m writing this, I can’t help but think about one of my favorite sketches from Saturday Night Live with The Lovers… who just so happen to be obsessed with goat meat:
At any rate, you’ll be just fine if you follow the below chart: